Date: 2007-07-12 23:04 Subject: We'll be ok? Security: Public Mood: blah

I wonder
If I said the right things
Would this wound have bled so much
Words are all that we have left for us

I wonder
Why you had to be in such a rush
I'll march into my graveyard and bury you now
The last man standing
But not the last one laughing
While worms eat your body and the fog covers your grave
I'll still be trying
To get your laugh out of my head

I just need some more
Just need some more time
It's not how we should say goodbye
Wasted my time

And I thought you were stronger than ones before
When I said that I needed some time
I didn't expect you to quit
Now that I lost you
Feels like I lost myself
I found regret

Answers we'll never get

Answers we'll never get

Date: 2007-07-03 06:46 Subject: Oh, Hello Security: Public Mood: relaxed

Are things actually looking up? Turning around? 

I've spent too much time
waiting for that break that would make it ok.

It's really hard.
I need distraction.
I found distraction.

I just hope that this will keep me happy, for awhile - is that selfish?

What I know, is I feel so safe in your arms and when we spend the time - the time
we get to spend together - I really wish I could make those times 1000 times more and 1000 hours longer.

I think I'm comfortable with loving someone again.

"YES! It's about time." I exclaim. Shhh.
Don' speak too soon..

Date: 2007-06-23 16:26 Subject: Around my smile... Security: Public Mood: frustrated

"This is when I'd cry. Crying is right at hand in the smothering dark, closed inside someone else, when you see how everything you can ever accomplish will end up as trash.
Anything you're ever proud of will be thrown away.
And I'm lost inside."

Fight Club-

I can really relate to that, honestly.
After I read some of this, I am going to clean my room. 

Date: 2007-06-22 23:08 Subject: ! Security: Public Mood: determined Music: Ingrid Michaelson

For some reason I feel like right where I should be and I'm becoming who I want to be. But at the same time I still feel like I'm drifting off and getting lost, but maybe thats part of the process.

This may sound strange...but I feel like people are running out in the world.
As in..disapearing. I don't know, I think too much.


I wish we'd always wake up new, refreshed, and born again with nothing left to lose.

Date: 2007-06-22 20:33 Subject: I was dreaming of the past... Security: Public Mood: weird

It's really bugging me how people are so inconsistant and unreliable latley.
Sometimes I call people just to see if they'll answer, 92% of the time they dont. I'm just fed up with excuses. It seems like everytime this happens I have to start new again... I'm always starting over. At least I'm starting something.

Date: 2007-06-21 16:31 Subject: It's only in a matter of seconds.. Security: Public Location: Lost Mood: gloomy

they hold it all together as i stand back in envy
is there a hurting heart behind that smile
a world of hurting hearts
a few broken generations
"it's not safe, stay away from follow me's are everywhere
in a world that lacks commitment you very quickly learn
to justify your actions so follow the truth"
but it seems like they've got it all and all i have is you
they've got it all i have is you
wait , how can i entertain these thoughts of life without you?
i'm losing my mind and with that the love of my life
i step out my door to a beautiful day and a world full of hate
but i still hold on to a hope for you and me
yeah i still i hold on to this foolish hope
take it or leave it it's only a matter of life or death
take it or leave it it's only a matter of life or death

Date: 2007-06-19 01:44 Subject: gfdajfgjksati Security: Public Mood: okay

I WANT ONE!!

Date: 2007-06-18 22:51 Subject: Cause the chase is all you know. And she stopped running months ago.. Security: Public Mood: blank Music: death cab for cutie

This Summer seems so much, as a blur. I've done barely anything.
Tomarrow -- Is going to be wonderful. I get to hang out with Jackie and Jess.
Stay the night, etc. I need it. MORE THAN ANYTHING.

I'm talking to my cousin Kraig. I haven't for awhile, I just seemed to be glancing
through myspace friends. I'm really bad with getting ahold of people.
They usually have to catch my attention.

I've been really unsatisfied. About everything :/ I wish I weren't.

I miss Randi.
She comes to mind alot, nowadays. I don't think one single person understands how
shitty I feel about this. About whats happened. And how no ones here for me now. I 
hate how god damn selfish I sound, right now. But it's my right to be a fucking baby.
To want certain things, talk to certain people, WONDER ABOUT THE PAST. I sometimes
wish to go back, hopefully change a few things. I think about why Randi left. She had the
choice. That makes me feel like she didn't much care about our friendship. But we have gotten closer
since then. So yah. Plus what she was going through, and I mean, it's her dad. Anyone that
loves their parent would want to see them, I completely accept that. I just fear that I might
accept too many, or the wrong things. I could have prevented things from happening. And maybe
helped. I don't know if I sound silly, stupid, wise. But I do know that I feel I chanced out.

I worry too much.
I worry about everything. My friends, loosing everything I have that matters, Weight, even things I shouldn't worry about.
Somethings a matter. With me.

Right now, I feel the only person I can really tell anything to is Jackie.
I don't know, I just feel confident, and assuring when I speak of certain things, spill whats bothering me, etc.
She's the best advice giver, and she's probably the smartest gal I know. I see her all the time - hence her and Aaron dating - so it's easy to get ahold or see her. I love it. Because she's been more of a friend than most....
I wish I didn't care about how people diss, 
and think nothing of friendship with me.
So fucking stupid, of me to sit here and let it get to me.
Let it bother me so much, and when at least try to handle it -
I want to be able to talk to someone as much as Jackie. I want to feel open, I really do. I don't know who to trust anymore
:/
I wish people wouldn't be so quick to judge. And I wish I knew they wouldn't. 

"It's too late? 

I should have given you a reason to stay....."


People need to make plans with me. I'm not good with planning stuff. Really.
I live near no one. Well the closest would be 10 minutes. But still. Help me.
Me and my cousin are planning to hang out alot this summer. He's really fantastic.
We used to hang out all the time, when we were younger. All summer long. It was wonderful. I want to have a late movie night. With anyone thats willing.  You all are cool. No one has my livejournal yet. Yall suck.


PS. Death Cab for Cutie and Circa Survive = New favourites!
Jackie really likes Fergie -- What's her problem. Who sings a song about being glamourous. Haha kidding, kidding.

Date: 2007-06-17 15:08 Subject: where i end and you begin.. Security: Public Mood: intimidated Music: Sufjan Stevens - Romulus

Is it stupid, is it impossible, is it down-right selfish if i


miss you, even though i am with you all the time?
i haven't been lately.

i don't know.


things just aren't the same anymore.
what happened?

Date: 2007-06-14 19:50 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public Mood: weird

If I could drive.

I'd be at Matt's.

In a heartbeat.

Date: 2007-06-13 06:47 Subject: I still owe you.. Security: Public Mood: sore Music: Sound: Birds, Cars

Whatever. It's too god damn early and I have nothing to do.

This year, school, I'm really glad it's over. I was starting to, feel really stressed out.
The studying for exams. And then, the worriment over whether if I didn't do too good on the exam, would predict whether I would have to go to summer school. But I did it. I passed all my classes. 

Pulsifer's Exam was way too damn hard.

I hope summer doesn't go by as fast as this year did. Guhhh.
This year has been the best yet, I have to say. I met some really great
people. Amazing, and that will make my life so much better :)

I miss Randi. It's been forever since I have seen her. But, she's coming back real real soon, only to visit that is. Which makes it even harder for her and us. And the time well being -- she'll be here. And I'll forget that she never left... :(

My jobhunting, eh. I was really looking forward to Working at Dairy Queen.
But Karen's too god damn lazy to take me anywhere to do anything. She's a big
pain in the ass, these days.

I've been extremely careful with what I eat. NO, I am not starving myself. I am just constantly on the scale and read all the labels, again. I want to go down a couple sizes too =/

Oh, I am obsessed with Cleaning now. I don't know, I really do hate cleaning. Well used to, and now I can't stop. It's what I do, besides read in my free-time. But now that summer's here oooh gosh.

I'm growing my hair out - - Random, but yes I am. I can't wait for it to be as long as Rapunzel's!
Oh yeah, my nails are so long. It's.... odd. But I like them. It's a bit harder to type, but whatever. They are pretty like this and no more Biting my Nails Habit :-) hehehe.

I'm reading A Clockwork Orange still. I have all this time but never enough time to read anymore. I don't like it very much gaaaaaah.

JILL COME OVER AND SWIM NOW, bike I mean it!!
I love Jill, btw. She's the cutest.

I'm going shopping with Karen soon. It's Seven and I need to get a shower.

Everyone please put forth in effort to hang out this summer, please.

Date: 2007-06-13 06:28 Subject: A good man is hard to find.. Security: Public Mood: groggy Music: Sufjan Stevens - Seven Swans

I didn't sleep last night. It's 6:30am.

I've been thinking alot, about things that have been happening recently.

I have never in my life experienced any sort of connection with another human being, outside of a physical means.

I feel distant from most everyone.

Maybe it's my fault. Something I did wrong. I know one thing, I'm tired of having the same thing told to me from every single person.


Ps. Don't play with my head. Don't toy with me, you don't realize what you're doing.